Lemmings Join EU in Banning American Travelers

Joining the European Union, the world’s lemmings have banned Americans from traveling to their territories, which span large swaths of Canada, Scandinavia, and Siberia.

A statement released by the Lemming Emergency Alliance for Protection, or LEAP, “hereby prohibits any human with American citizenship from traveling into any lemming-inhabited lands in the Northern Hemisphere until further notice.”

LEAP spokeslemming Lemuel Icarus noted, “We lemmings have a saying: ‘If everylemming jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?’ Of course, the answer is ‘Yes!’

“But even we aren’t foolish enough to run around unprotected during a global pandemic.”

In related news, a coalition of Asian and African elephants is pleading with the American Republican Party to stop using an elephant as its mascot.

“There are plenty of alternatives,” says spokeselephant Jumbo Gray. “Lemming, ostrich. Weasel. Pick one, but leave us out of it.”

Image by Royal Olive

Mel Brooks meets King James! Read The Lost Gospel of Donald.

The Clintons, EXPOSED! Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins.

Trump Confuses Primary Colors in “Blue Bailout” Comment, Blames Dr. Seuss

President Donald Trump suggested Monday that it would be unfair for Republican-run states to bail out Democrat-run states in the wake of skyrocketing costs of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Trump echoed previous statements by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell opposing so-called “blue state bailouts.”

In an Oval Office interview with the New York Post, Trump claimed, “It’s not fair to the Republicans because all the states that need help — they’re run by Democrats in every case…. You look at Illinois, you look at New York, look at California, you know, those three, there’s tremendous debt there, and many others. I don’t think the Republicans want to be in a position where they bail out states that are, that have been mismanaged over a long period of time.”

The president apparently mistook one primary color for another, as red states by and large take more from the federal government than they give, while blue states give more than they take. The three states named by Trump are all “donor states” that give more than they take.

Reached for comment, Trump blamed Dr. Seuss for his mistake. “Red fish, blue fish, that Seuss guy really screwed this up,” Trump fumed. “We’re cutting off all funding for Seuss-related programs, they’re not getting a dime, okay?”

The White House subsequently denied reports that the president’s heart is “two sizes too small.”

Image by byzantiumbooks

Mel Brooks meets King James! Read The Lost Gospel of Donald.

The Clintons, EXPOSED! Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins.