Trump Orders Hospitals to Submit COVID-19 Data to Chuck Woolery

The Trump administration has ordered the nation’s hospitals to cease submitting data concerning COVID-19 to the Centers for Disease Control.

Instead, President Trump will now require all information related to the worsening pandemic to be submitted to former television game show host Chuck Woolery, best known for his work on Wheel of Fortune from 1975-1981.

Questioned on the wisdom of putting a game show host in charge of such a complex and vital database, Mr. Trump said, “Well that show, that Wheel of Fortune, it was a really good show, okay? And it was all about numbers, really big numbers, and it was very successful, it was fantastic, just like The Apprentice, that’s what people are telling me.”

Trump had previously retweeted Woolery’s accusation that, in an attempt to damage the economy and the president’s re-election, “Everyone is lying. The CDC, Media, Democrats, Doctors.”

Woolery currently hosts a little-known conservative radio program, Save Us Chuck Woolery, which features right-wing conspiracy theories and is highly complimentary to Mr. Trump.

“Think about it, he’s got this show, Save Us Chuck Woolery, so he’s, like, the perfect guy to save us, right?” Trump insisted. “I mean, the perfect guy, it’s a no brainer, an absolute no brainer.”

Asked if making decisions in a dire public emergency based on the names of broadcasts was appropriate, Trump responded, “You bet your life.”

The president refused to answer a follow-up question: “Are you smarter than a fifth grader?”

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Mel Brooks meets King James! Read The Lost Gospel of Donald.

The Clintons, EXPOSED! Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins.

Apostrophe Catastrophe Spoils Release of Privileged Child’s Book

Donald Trump, Jr., the eldest child of the president, is being widely ridiculed after releasing the cover of his upcoming book, which reads: “Donald Trump Jr.  #1 New York Times Best Selling Author  Liberal Privilege–Joe Biden and the Democrat’s Defense of the Indefensible.”

According to fourth-grade spelling bee winner Twila Nitpikker, the cover’s twenty-one words contain three punctuation errors: “First, there should be a comma between ‘Trump’ and ‘Jr.’,” Ms. Nitpikker notes. “Second, there should be a hyphen between ‘best’ and ‘selling.’ Third, there should be an apostrophe after the ‘s’ in ‘Democrats,’ not before.”

Critics on social media seized on the apostrophe error in roundly mocking the president’s son, who is, ironically, the most privileged of Americans.

The debacle comes on the heels of a similarly ironic misstep shortly after the release of Trump, Jr.’s, first book, Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us. At an event at UCLA last November, a vocal group of young conservatives heckled the author until, apparently triggered, he became silent and walked off the stage.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Junior,” Ms. Nitpikker wrote on her home page. “Bullies suck! And you can’t judge a book by its cover.

“Besides, you can always come back to school with us in the fall!”

Mel Brooks meets King James! Read The Lost Gospel of Donald.

The Clintons, EXPOSED! Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins.

Lemmings Join EU in Banning American Travelers

Joining the European Union, the world’s lemmings have banned Americans from traveling to their territories, which span large swaths of Canada, Scandinavia, and Siberia.

A statement released by the Lemming Emergency Alliance for Protection, or LEAP, “hereby prohibits any human with American citizenship from traveling into any lemming-inhabited lands in the Northern Hemisphere until further notice.”

LEAP spokeslemming Lemuel Icarus noted, “We lemmings have a saying: ‘If everylemming jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?’ Of course, the answer is ‘Yes!’

“But even we aren’t foolish enough to run around unprotected during a global pandemic.”

In related news, a coalition of Asian and African elephants is pleading with the American Republican Party to stop using an elephant as its mascot.

“There are plenty of alternatives,” says spokeselephant Jumbo Gray. “Lemming, ostrich. Weasel. Pick one, but leave us out of it.”

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Mel Brooks meets King James! Read The Lost Gospel of Donald.

The Clintons, EXPOSED! Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins.

Trump Seeks Small, Mushroom-Shaped Fig Leaf to Cover Withdrawal from Race

With Donald Trump trailing Joe Biden by nearly ten points in averages of national polls, an increasing number of pundits and Republican operatives are suggesting that the president may drop out of the race rather than face a humiliating landslide defeat in November.

Even conservative stalwart FoxNews, whose most recent poll had Trump trailing Biden by 12 points, has begun floating the idea.

An anonymous Trump campaign insider notes that considering the “size of Trump’s ego,” he’d need a credible excuse for quitting the race–a “fig leaf” that would allow him to save face.

“Most politicians use the tried-and true ‘spending more time with my family’ excuse,” the insider said. “But considering how much the public knows about the president and his family, that probably wouldn’t do.”

Reached for comment, porn actress Stormy Daniels, notorious for her description of Trump’s anatomy, suggested that a “small, mushroom-shaped” fig leaf would be sufficient.

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Mel Brooks meets King James! Read The Lost Gospel of Donald.

The Clintons, EXPOSED! Read Those Arkansaw Bumkins.