World’s Religions Label Biden vs. Trump “A Stark Moral Choice Between Pretty Good and Evil”

A consortium of the world’s religions released an unprecedented, if tepid, joint statement today in support of Democrat Joe Biden’s run for the American presidency.

“The race between Joe Biden and Donald Trump presents a stark moral choice between pretty good and evil,” the statement reads.

At a virtual press conference announcing the consortium’s stance, Pope Francis reiterated his 2016 criticism of Trump: “A person who thinks only about building walls … and not of building bridges, is not Christian. This is not the gospel.” Asked about Biden, the pontiff merely said, “Good enough.”

The Dalai Lama opined that Trump’s presidency has been defined by “a lack of moral principle,” citing policies on climate change and immigration. Asked about Biden, the bodhisattva smiled and said, “He’ll do.”

An anonymous member of the consortium identified only as “the God of Abraham” added, “All men have eaten of the forbidden fruit and sinned against the Lord. But believe me, I know, comparing Mr. Biden’s sins against Mr. Trump’s is like comparing apples to orchards.”

While not all of the world’s roughly 4000 religions joined in the statement, only two organizations have explicitly rejected it: The Church of Satan and Westboro Baptist Church.

Trying to BE Hip, Breakdancing Biden BREAKS Hip

Former Vice President Joe Biden’s overtures to the black community hit a road block today when the 77-year-old candidate broke his left hip while attempting a breakdance move called a “windmill” during an online campaign event broadcast from his Wilmington, Delaware basement.

“Crunk up that hippity-hop and peep out this b-boy, man,” Biden rapped to a stunned audience of African-American leaders before launching into a series of high-energy moves that culminated in a botched transition from a Superman to an airplane windmill.

The accident comes on the heels of a controversial comment during a radio interview with Charlamagne tha God last week, when Biden quipped, “If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, you ain’t black.”

The Biden campaign released a statement saying the septuagenarian ex-Senator would be confined to his basement for six to eight weeks with little to no physical activity.

“There will be no changes to Mr. Biden’s schedule whatsoever,” insisted campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon.

Image by Christopher Hawley

Trump Declares Places of Worship Essential, Worshipers Expendable

As the Memorial Day weekend began, President Donald Trump on Friday declared churches and other places of worship “essential services” and demanded that governors across the country re-open them “right now,” threatening to “override” contrary orders and reasserting his claim of “absolute authority.”

Coming on the heels of Trump’s threats to cut off federal funding for Democrat-led states that allow mail-in voting and his calls to right-wing extremists to “liberate” states with Democratic governors, the move is widely seen as another attempt to divide the nation and inflame his base.

Asked if the policy could also put millions of worshipers at risk for infection by the Covid-19 virus, essentially turning them into sacrificial lambs, Trump said, “No, they’re not sacrificial lambs. Sacrificial lambs are irrelevant.

“This is all about our Memorial Day weekend–it has nothing to do with sacrifice.”

Image courtesy Walters Art Museum

Trump Won’t Hang Obama Portrait in White House, Would Rather Hang Obama

Breaking with a tradition begun four decades ago when Jimmy Carter invited Gerald Ford to the White House for the unveiling of Ford’s official presidential portrait, President Donald Trump will not unveil the portrait of his predecessor, Barack Obama.

Trump denies any part in the refusal to unveil the portrait, adding, “I don’t know anything about the moustache and missing tooth someone drew on it with a Sharpie, either.”

The move is the latest example of Trump’s psychological obsession with Obama, which has led the president to promote a series of false accusations and conspiracy theories, from the racist birtherism movement to the more recent “Obamagate.”

It is also the latest in a long series of norms and traditions violated by Trump, whose racially-tinged divisiveness and incivility towards reporters and political opponents have been well documented; a Brookings Institute survey of political scientists and historians found Trump the most divisive president in American history.

Apparently referring to another presidential tradition–the annual White House Christmas tree ornament–Trump reportedly told staffers, “Obama’s only legacy here will be hanging from a tree.”

A Liar, His Tirades, and Barr, Oh My! The Birth(erism) of Obamagate

The following is an opinion column and NOT SATIRE! (For your entertainment, we do suggest watching the two videos in the last paragraph.)

Washington, DC was plunged into the world of fantasy this week as President Donald Trump, already caught in roughly 18,000 lies by fact checkers, went on an angry tirade against former president Barack Obama, whom he now accuses of “Obamagate … the biggest political crime and scandal in the history of the USA, by FAR.”

While unable to name a specific crime, Trump appears to be mobilizing the Department of Justice and pliable Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a series of investigations into an alleged conspiracy by the Obama White House to “sabotage” his incoming administration using alleged Russian interference in his 2016 election as a pretext. While apparently aimed at Obama, this manufactured scandal is transparently designed and timed to damage Joe Biden in the upcoming election.

Trump is notoriously sensitive about the legitimacy of his election, which all seventeen intelligence agencies, the Department of Justice, and several Congressional committees including the Republican Senate Intelligence Committee unanimously agree was tainted with Russian interference aimed at helping the Trump campaign.

That sensitivity previously led to Trump ordering a failed federal investigation into alleged widespread voter fraud, which was apparently intended to corroborate his claim that 3 to 5 million illegal votes were cast for Hillary Clinton; coincidentally, Trump lost the popular vote by 2.9 million votes. No significant voter fraud was found.

As an aspiring presidential candidate in 2011, Trump, who’s promoted numerous conspiracy theories, launched an equally failed investigation into the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s presidency, claiming that the former president was born in Kenya and therefore ineligible for the office. Trump was the leading proponent of “birtherism,” which has convinced a majority of Republicans to doubt that Obama is an American or a Christian.

Birtherism and Obamagate stand as bookends to the Trump presidency–two unsubstantiated, preposterous, shameless lies aimed at demonizing his opponents, deflecting from his shortcomings, and inflaming his base.

Rather than dignifying “Obamagate” with a response, concerned citizens are encouraged to watch Obama decimate Trump’s birtherism (video) at the 2011 White House Correspondent’s dinner and then enjoy this scene from a vastly superior fantasy (video) while replacing “lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” with “A liar, his tirades, and Barr, oh my!”

Image by twm1340

Winner of MAGA Anthem Contest Unveiled at Mask Factory–“Live and Let Die”

The winner of a contest to choose the official anthem of the MAGA movement was unveiled yesterday as President Donald Trump toured a mask factory without wearing a mask.

Guns N Roses’ cover of Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” blared through the PA system at the Honeywell factory in Phoenix where N95 protective masks are manufactured for the federal government. The masks provide protection for both the wearer and those in his or her vicinity.

Apparently, neither Trump nor Vice President Mike Pence, who toured the Mayo Clinic last week without a mask, feel the need to follow safety guidelines to protect others, though every precaution is taken to protect them. Trump insists that no one is allowed to travel with him unless they’ve tested negative for the Covid-19 virus, saying that otherwise, “they wouldn’t be allowed  to travel with me.”

An anonymous White House source called “Live and Let Die,” which bested “Sympathy for the Devil” in the contest, the “perfect anthem” for the Trump administration, citing a long list of life-threatening actions that include: withdrawing from the Paris climate change agreement, withholding funds from hurricane victims in Puerto Rico, separating families at the US-Mexico border, dismantling the pandemic response team, withholding funds from the World Health Organization, and regularly proposing budget cuts for education, environmental protection, disaster relief, public health, and foreign aid to developing countries.

“Haven’t you been paying attention?” the source asked. “I guess sometimes it takes a crisis to bring things into focus.”

Image by Gunner Gus

Trump Confuses Primary Colors in “Blue Bailout” Comment, Blames Dr. Seuss

President Donald Trump suggested Monday that it would be unfair for Republican-run states to bail out Democrat-run states in the wake of skyrocketing costs of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Trump echoed previous statements by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell opposing so-called “blue state bailouts.”

In an Oval Office interview with the New York Post, Trump claimed, “It’s not fair to the Republicans because all the states that need help — they’re run by Democrats in every case…. You look at Illinois, you look at New York, look at California, you know, those three, there’s tremendous debt there, and many others. I don’t think the Republicans want to be in a position where they bail out states that are, that have been mismanaged over a long period of time.”

The president apparently mistook one primary color for another, as red states by and large take more from the federal government than they give, while blue states give more than they take. The three states named by Trump are all “donor states” that give more than they take.

Reached for comment, Trump blamed Dr. Seuss for his mistake. “Red fish, blue fish, that Seuss guy really screwed this up,” Trump fumed. “We’re cutting off all funding for Seuss-related programs, they’re not getting a dime, okay?”

The White House subsequently denied reports that the president’s heart is “two sizes too small.”

Image by byzantiumbooks