Trump Disinfectant Suggestion Proves, “If It Ducks Like a Quack, It’s a Quack”

Donald Trump has doctors and scientists all over the world scratching their heads after suggesting two novel ways to fight Covid 19 at his April 23 press briefing.

Responding to Department of Homeland Security official William Bryan’s statements that disinfectants and sunlight outside the body can kill the virus within minutes, Trump wondered aloud whether they could be used inside the body as well:

I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute, and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning, because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs.

Manufacturers of disinfectants immediately warned the public that their products should not be used in or on the human body, while doctors noted that ingesting and injecting such products is a common way of committing suicide.

Trump also suggested that strong light might be introduced into the body to kill the virus:

So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light … supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.

On the heels of his repeated promotion of hydrochloroquine, which has resulted directly in deaths and sidetracked vital research efforts, Trump’s latest quackery has drawn widespread ridicule.

Asked for comment by RealFakeNews, epidemiologist Dr. Yetanudda Gupta said, “It makes you wonder where the president’s head is at.”

May we suggest, somewhere that the sun don’t shine.

UPDATE On April 24, Trump tried to duck his comments at a bill signing, saying, “I was asking a question sarcastically to reporters like you just to see what would happen.”

This leaves open two distinct possibilities: either Trump lied about being sarcastic, which fits a longstanding and well documented pattern, or he’s turned the most powerful position on earth into a cartoon.

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Trump Withholds US Payment to WHO–Barr, Buckner, Ono, Dahmer Respond

President Donald Trump announced yesterday that he is withholding scheduled US payments to the World Health Organization as the global pandemic intensifies.

“The WHO failed in its basic duty and must be held accountable,” Trump said at a Tuesday press conference, adding that the payments would be suspended for 60 to 90 days while his administration evaluates the WHO’s actions.

The move is widely regarded as a misguided attempt to deflect blame from the president’s botched response to the Covid-19 crisis.

Reached for comment, Roseanne Barr blamed Michelle Obama for the racist tweet that got her fired from ABC; Bill Buckner’s ghost slammed the grounds crew at Shea Stadium for failing to properly cut the infield grass in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series; and Yoko Ono condemned the late George Harrison for breaking up the Beatles.

Meanwhile, in hell, convicted cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, dining at the famed Dante’s restaurant in the 9th Circle, sent back a steak that he insisted was under-cooked.

“We’re looking forward to a long visit from the president down here,” Dahmer told RealFakeNews. “We’ve reserved a seat here at Dante’s especially for him.”

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Trump Mistakes Easter for Festivus, Airs Grievances in Twitter Rant

Apparently mistaking Easter Sunday for the fictional holiday of Festivus from the sitcom Seinfeld, President Donald Trump spent the day airing grievances against a variety of targets.

A sample of Trump’s tweets on the holy day attacked the media and Democrats while deflecting blame for his delayed response to the Covid-19 pandemic:

“Just watched Mike Wallace wannabe, Chris Wallace, on @FoxNews. I am now convinced that he is even worse than Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd of Meet the Press (please!), or the people over at Deface the Nation. What the hell is happening to @FoxNews. It’s a whole new ballgame over there!”

“The @nytimes story is a Fake, just like the ‘paper’ itself. I was criticized for moving too fast when I issued the China Ban, long before most others wanted to do so. @SecAzar told me nothing until later, and Peter Navarro memo was same as Ban (see his statements). Fake News!”

“The Opposition Party (Lamestream Media) and their partner, the Radical Left, Do Nothing Democrats, have put their political game plan in full swing. ‘Whether he is right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. Criticize Trump for everything, and don’t let the public see Biden. Hide him.'”

“If the Fake News Opposition Party is pushing, with all their might, the fact that President Trump “ignored early warnings about the threat,” then why did Media & Dems viciously criticize me when I instituted a Travel Ban on China? They said “early & not necessary.” Corrupt Media!”

“Great businessman & philanthropist Bernie Marcus, Co-Founder of Home Depot, said that Congress was too distracted by the (phony) Impeachment Witch Hunt when they should have been investigating CoronaVirus when it first appeared in China. Media played a big roll also!@dcexaminer”

And, “I am working hard to expose the corruption and dishonesty in the Lamestream Media. That part is easy, the hard part is WHY?”

The president also retweeted a call for the firing of Dr. Anthony Fauci, the widely respected head of his Covid-19 task force, after Fauci acknowledged that lives could have been saved if the pandemic had been more aggressively addressed earlier.

Meanwhile, Trump praised the One America News Network, known for its extreme right wing bias, promotion of debunked conspiracy theories, and owner-mandated promotion of President Trump.

Reached for comment at the White House, Trump complained, “Why does everything bad have to happen to me? I’ve suffered more than anyone, okay? I’ve suffered, folks, believe me. No one’s suffered more than me, that I can tell you.”

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Mother Nature Offers Halfhearted Condolences to Mankind

In a rare public statement, Mother Nature said today that she really, honest-to-god feels sorry for mankind as it suffers through a coronavirus pandemic.

“That’s tough, mankind, really tough,” she told attendees at a UN conference on the relationship between deforestation and pandemics. “Must suck to be you.”

According to virologists, deforestation increases the likelihood of viral transmission between animals and humans and is considered a leading cause of recent increases in epidemics and pandemics.

“The 40% of of wildlife populations that hasn’t been destroyed by human activity since 1974,” she added, “sends its thoughts and prayers, too.”

Photo copyright SoStark

Trump Doubles Down on Scarf Claim with MyPillow Mask

Despite drawing criticism from medical experts after claiming that scarves may be better than surgical masks in protecting people from Covid19, President Donald Trump recently added a questionable new weapon to his arsenal against the virus.

In his press conference on Wednesday, April 1, Trump responded to worries over dwindling supplies of the masks by saying, “In many cases the scarf is better; it’s thicker. I mean you can — depending on the material, it’s thicker.”

The CDC and members of Trump’s own coronavirus task force were quick to point out that scarves and bandanas should be used only as a last resort when masks are not available.

Last night at the White House,  Jared Kushner unveiled the president’s latest anti-viral technology: a MyPillow strapped to the head with rubber bands.

“MyPillow is significantly thicker than a mask or a scarf,” Kushner explained. “We recommend that every American loyal to the president create a stockpile of MyPillows and bury their heads in them so we can smother this threat to our great country once and for all.”

Photo copyright Gage Skidmore


Trump Throws Toilet Paper to Crowd in Bronx

Echoing a performance in Puerto Rico involving paper towels, President Trump today lobbed rolls of toilet paper to a crowd gathered in a community center in the Bronx to discuss the Covid-19 pandemic.

“This is the least I can do for my hometown,” Trump told the crowd as attendees and reporters peppered him with questions.

Asked by Isabel Morena, 12, “What would you say to Americans who are scared,” the president answered, “I’d say that you are a terrible little girl, that’s what I’d say,” and skulked out of the briefing room.

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